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An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste