*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
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Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.