Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
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If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
the noise i just made
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200