If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
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Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.