From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
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“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.