[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
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My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
My purse is deeper than some people.
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.