Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
You Might Also Like
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
You know I’m something of a chef myself
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.