[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
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I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
‘I know a black person’
– White people
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
I support this random dude and all his protests
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
This made me chuckle cuz mood
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.