I was using a q-tip and went in too deep in my ear, and now I can’t do math.
“Follow your dreams!” say the people who won’t pay my rent.
What you read about me in the newspaper today is true: I am selling my couch.
I told mom that my electric bill was only $22 last month and she said “Seems right for someone who sits in the dark and drinks alone every night.” Would someone please tell her to stop owning me, I’m her daughter for God’s sake.
Ambien before beer, nothing tur fleer, beer befra Ambien, sam sumber sambien
There’s a reaaalllly old tupperware in the back of the fridge, I tried to open it, but then something closed it from the inside.
I brought a hot glue gun to the gun range and it was awkward at first, but now we’ve created so many memories.
Crazy how some people consider swimming to be a sport when the only alternative to it is drowning.
I made a grocery list last night when I was drunk and it just says “healthy stuff,” “looob,” and “you don’t own me.”
It’s amazing how much you can get away with by wearing an orange vest and a hard hat. I’ve been digging a hole in this Forever 21 for hours.