[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
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The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
For the orator and chef in all of us
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.