A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
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You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.