I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat