@mom_tho

I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold

@mom_tho

bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul

@mom_tho

just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life

@mom_tho

today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit

@mom_tho

watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them

@mom_tho

The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500

@mom_tho

Me: I’m so stressed

Heart: play some music you’ll feel better

Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better

Brain: cut all your hair off

Me: wait what?

Brain: today.

@mom_tho

4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?

Me:

4: Mom???

Me: What the f-

4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?

Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!

@mom_tho

my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t

@mom_tho

no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat