@mom_tho
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
@mom_tho
@mom_tho
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
@mom_tho
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
@mom_tho
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
@mom_tho
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
@mom_tho
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
@mom_tho
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
@mom_tho
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
@mom_tho
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
@mom_tho
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat