take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul