@mommajessiec

I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.

@mommajessiec

What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?

@mommajessiec

Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”

@mommajessiec

My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.

@mommajessiec

My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…

@mommajessiec

My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.

Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.

@mommajessiec

My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.

@mommajessiec

My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.

@mommajessiec

I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”

@mommajessiec

[50 YEARS FROM NOW]

Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.