Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of mommajessiec's best tweets

@mommajessiec : Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night. Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.

@mommajessiec: [comes home from a day away]

Kids: Guess what we did today?!?

Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.

Kids: How’d you know?!?

Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess

@mommajessiec: Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*

Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*

Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*

@mommajessiec: It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.

@mommajessiec: Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.

Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.

@mommajessiec: Kid: Mom, will you play with me?

Me: Sure.

Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.

Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*

@mommajessiec: *puts on winter boots*

*trudges through newly fallen legos*

@mommajessiec: *seductively takes off winter coat*

*seductively takes off another coat*

*seductively takes off another coat*

Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.

@mommajessiec: My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.

*closes window*

@mommajessiec: Modern Way to Name Babies:

1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settle

Congratulations on your child McKimberlynn.