@mommajessiec

My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.

@mommajessiec

8yo: What does Dad do for work?

Me: Why don’t you ask him?

8yo: He told me to ask you.

Me: Well played. Well. Played.

@mommajessiec

The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.

@mommajessiec

Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.

@mommajessiec

The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.

@mommajessiec

Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.

@mommajessiec

Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.

Husband: How short?

Me:

Husband: HOW SHORT?!

@mommajessiec

My husband and I decided to be more honest with each other. In related news, he’s been sleeping on the couch.

@mommajessiec

Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.

[LATER]

Husband: Where’d my stick go?

@mommajessiec

8yo: You’re annoying me!

10yo: No, you’re annoying me!

Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.