Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!