@mommajessiec

Kid: Mom, will you play with me?

Me: Sure.

Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.

Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*

@mommajessiec

*seductively takes off winter coat*

*seductively takes off another coat*

*seductively takes off another coat*

Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.

@mommajessiec

My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.

*closes window*

@mommajessiec

Modern Way to Name Babies:

1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settle

Congratulations on your child McKimberlynn.

@mommajessiec

[feels adventurous]

As a kid: *climbs a tree*

As a teen: *dyes hair*

In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*

In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*

@mommajessiec

Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?

Me: It’s at 7.

H: Oh, I was close.

Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.

@mommajessiec

My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”

@mommajessiec

Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”

@mommajessiec

*looks at 4 children*

“You leave me no choice.”

*eats last 3 cookies*