@mommajessiec

Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.

@mommajessiec

Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.

Husband: But you just woke up.

Me: Exactly.

@mommajessiec

Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!

Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*

Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!

Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*

@mommajessiec

Tween and me: *arguing*

Husband: God, you two are just like each other.

Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?

Husband: *jumps out window*

@mommajessiec

Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.

Kids: Where?

Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.

Kids: WHERE!

Me: He’s picking up our car.

Kids: WHERE?!?

Me: He’s hurling us through the air.

Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!

@mommajessiec

Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*

Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*

Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*

Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.

Also kids: ALREADY?!?

@mommajessiec

My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.

@mommajessiec

[in bed]

Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…

Me: *removes ear plugs*

*removes sleeping mask*

*removes snoring strip*

*removes mouth guard*

Hey…

Husband: *sleeping*

@mommajessiec

Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?

Taco truck driver: Okay.

@mommajessiec

Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.

Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!

Me: Weird…