My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.