I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?
Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?
Me: Yes.
Husband:
Me:
Husband: No, I did not.
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?