If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.