Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.