Kid: Where do babies come from?

Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.

Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?

Me: When a man and a woman…


I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.


Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.

Me: So you go back to the office for work.

Husband: And?

Me: And?


Body: I need water.

Me: Diet Coke?

Body: No, water.

Me: Wine?

Body: NO, WATER!

Me: Coffee it is.


Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.

Husband: I’m sitting right here.


[8 AM]

Me: Time to wake up.


Me: Time to go to bed.

Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.


Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?



Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.


Husband: You should go to bed.

Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.


Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.

Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.