@mommajessiec

My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.

@mommajessiec

Me: Say Mama.

Baby: Dada!

Me: Say Mama.

Baby: Papa!

Me: Say Mama.

Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.

Me: This is bullshit.

Baby: This is bullshit.

@mommajessiec

My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.

@mommajessiec

I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.

@mommajessiec

My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.

@mommajessiec

[50 YEARS FROM NOW]

Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.

@mommajessiec

Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.

Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*

Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*

@mommajessiec

Husband: Let’s role play.

Me: Okay.

H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.

Me: I quit.

@mommajessiec

*romantically grabs husband’s face*

I will NEVER stop eating your fries.

@mommajessiec

I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.