Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”