Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.