Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
My husband and I decided to be more honest with each other. In related news, he’s been sleeping on the couch.
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
Husband: Where’d my stick go?