9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.