I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2