I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
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WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
(True)
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.