Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of mommy_cusses's best tweets

@mommy_cusses : Childless friend: "My kid will NEVER -" Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper] Her: What are you doing!? Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.

@mommy_cusses: Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?

@mommy_cusses: I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.

@mommy_cusses: 90% of parenting is asking, "Did you _?" when you know damned well that they didn't.

@mommy_cusses: I've resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.

@mommy_cusses: Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac 'n' cheese

@mommy_cusses: Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.

@mommy_cusses: My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.

@mommy_cusses: Found out at my Doctor's appointment that the disturbing voices I've been hearing non stop are called children.

@mommy_cusses: Apparently you can't just say, "Not my circus, not my monkeys," and leave your kids at the store.