Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
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GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
The only good comments section online is on recipes
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote