My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
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Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really