If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
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Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
The sacred texts.
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.