Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
Also me: Not like that