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Page of mommywhitfield's best tweets

@mommywhitfield : My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can't bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.

@mommywhitfield: Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.

Anyway, congrats on your engagement!

@mommywhitfield: Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don't feel a thing.

Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.

@mommywhitfield: As the mother of two kids under 5, I'm always playing a game I call "Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?"

@mommywhitfield: Apparently, "I understand why some animals eat their young," is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you're doing. Whatever.

@mommywhitfield: *Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
"Will I ever not feel tired again?"
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*

@mommywhitfield: I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.

@mommywhitfield: Me: I just want to be the center of someone's universe

*has kids*

Also me: Not like that

@mommywhitfield: Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.