My mom says if I’m a good boy, I can be the captain of the gravy boat at Thanksgiving this year.
It’s crazy that we get one toothbrush as a kid and we have to use it once a week for the rest of our lives.
The dude that invented diarrhea was a real jerk, in my opinion.
It’s not my fault that the Ouija Board always says, “you guys should order a large pizza” every time I play.
I got my superpowers when I was bitten by a radioactive idiot.
Sorry for the way I acted at your dad‘s funeral. I just thought it was a little rude that he was wearing the same outfit as me.
“We need a machine that can count all these damn geigers.” – guy who invented the geiger counter
People always ask me why I listen to audiobooks on my headphones while I’m in the gym. It’s because I can’t read.
My local zoo has installed signs throughout the grounds with my photo that say, “Do Not Feed The Animals Or This Guy.”
I’m standing in the middle of the party with a bag full of burritos just now realizing B.Y.O.B. was referring to beer.
I can’t believe the gall of this bladder.
My lawyer said I broke the record for how many times the word mayonnaise was used in a will at 13 times. The previous record was zero.
“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.
I spent 11 years becoming a thoracic surgeon because I was too afraid to admit that when I signed up I thought I’d be performing surgery on dinosaurs.