One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
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Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
When your parents check you’re ok.
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser