Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
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A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.