My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
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According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
best review i’ve ever seen
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong