@momtribevibe

[ First day as a bartender ]

Me: *unzips customers pants*

Him: wtf!?

Me: you said make it stiff

@momtribevibe

My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.

@momtribevibe

[being choked to death]

Me: harder

Murderer: wait, what?

Me: again pls

Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here

@momtribevibe

My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.

@momtribevibe

Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.