[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Me: you said make it stiff
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
[being choked to death]
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.