Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
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STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
Breaking news:
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
Britain be like
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender