*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
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*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!