Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
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They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
I’m sorry…what?
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”