It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
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I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
¯_(ツ)_/¯
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.