This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
You Might Also Like
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn鈥檛 my notes app
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I鈥檓 still laughing .
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
Finished stitching this today 馃槆
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
If you鈥檙e a tire company you shouldn鈥檛 say you work tirelessly
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
[man who won the lottery]: here鈥檚 why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 馃憞馃У
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
Turns down music in car: I鈥檝e never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic鈥檚.
Friend: That鈥檚 my stomach.
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn鈥檛 talk through the game.
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”