Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
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Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.