Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
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[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!