This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
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They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”