When customers come in 6 hours before closing
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the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
Good morning
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party