“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
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[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
Air conditioning – not a fan
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day