Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
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She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
britain’s three elite institutions
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
#parenting
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
⠀
My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
⠀
My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*