“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
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The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
Posting this on behalf of a friend
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.