If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
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Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”