I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
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lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?