When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
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Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me